Confessions of a Real Life Jesus-follower

When you look at me, I don't think it makes sense to you why I feel like I do.  The disparity between what goes on inside my head and what you see on the outside is vast and wide.  Depending on how well we know each other, it's possible that my inner misery is a mystery to you.  But, more than likely, I'm the only one I've been fooling as far as hiding my pain away.

I have never felt comfortable being me.  From the moment I was born, and even before, something inside knew that I wasn't who I was supposed to be.  I sensed separation from Good and I was jolted into a world that seemed to wish I was something, someone, different from who I actually was.  Burdened with the feeling of instant rejection, the world became a painful place for me to exist.  And despite having an extremely loving family and a charmed childhood, I was dying inside. 

I was too masculine to be "girly".  My legs had too many muscles to look balletic.  I was too rough and strong to ever be seen as "cute" or "feminine".  My voice was rather raspy and unsure, not soft and sweet like it "should be".  I was different.  And that didn't feel ok.  It felt like torture.  I didn't understand who I was and was too afraid to take the risk of simply being myself in order to find out.

 

Consequently, insecurity blossomed in me.  Fear and self-doubt ravaged me.  I was strangled by obsession with the perceptions of those around me.  Because I hadn't already known it to be true, I needed them to tell me I was ok.  I was either propelled or suffocated by their opinions, depending on their content.  And "they" couldn't win because if they favored me,  it caused jealousy around me or even made me feel pressure to live up to it, and if they criticized me, it stung me to the core.  "They" weren't the only ones who couldn't win - for, I was living my life for other people and I had no joy.  I was losing on all fronts, and it was showing in the way I was living my life. 

I speak in the past tense about all of this because I haven't felt the intensity of these feelings for years. About five years ago, I learned about Jesus and to the best of my ability then, made the decision to trust Him with my life, for the forgiveness of my sins, for a new purpose for living, and a permanent home in Heaven.  Thank you God, for your amazing grace!!!  But the truth is, there is still fear, doubt, and insecurity inside my heart.  I cannot and will not pretend otherwise.

In my humanness, this makes me feel ashamed because intellectually, I know that these feelings don't actually make sense in someone who fully trusts in God.  Which means that I don't fully trust in God.  I'm here to say that there are places inside me that I've been desperately trying to cover and hide, which remain hidden even right now.  It's like I'm naked in the Garden, running around looking battered, dirty, clumsily trying to cover my shame with leaves and mud, and all the while, the God who made me is lovingly pursuing me, telling me it's ok.  He's calling me, envisioning me draped in a spotless, glowing, white gown as His bride, He's telling me He sees me, and that it's ok to just be me.  He's asking me to give Him the pieces and He's promising to knit me back to wholeness....He loves me, He loves me, He loves me.


I thought that I had to hide.  I thought that because there are parts of me I've sectioned off and decided to hold away from His light and love, that there was something to be ashamed of.  I thought I could simply say that I have given it all to Him and that if I did that, I'd never need to look at the stuff that I perceive to be "ugly" and shame-worthy.  I thought that a broken woman, an insecure woman, a woman who doesn't feel that great about herself was a less-than woman and unworthy of love. 

My thinking was broken.  I thought that if I were flawed, that I was then unlovable.  I allowed myself to believe the lie that my imperfections are inadequacies and made me unworthy of love and affection.  And I also thought the same about you, whether I was able to admit it or not.  This thinking was part of the constructs that I set up in my mind to allow me to function with this inner belief that I actually so unlovable, unworthy, and inherently inadequate.

But, this God who made me and who saves me is so, so good.  Because He's not stopped gently pursuing me as I ran away in shame.  He didn't throw up His arms and give up on me.  He didn't criticize and judge me for not having yet been ready to look deep inside.  He doesn't even punish me for judging myself or others because He's already taken the punishment for all my sin!!  He has even sent people in my path to guide me.  He's answering my prayers for healing, with certainty, but it sure doesn't look the way I'd imagined.  God surrounded me with loving people who wouldn't let me lie to myself any longer.  He situated them on all sides, so that no matter which way I turned, truth was all I could see.  These gentle souls have been loving me back to wholeness, and I couldn't be more thankful.  God has simply patiently, steadfastly, fervently, gently pursued me until He got me to turn and look into His eyes. 

Here I stand today, staring into the eyes of this gracious, Holy, amazing God.  As I look into His gaze, I drop the facade.  I lay the guilt, shame, self-hatred down.  I expose to Him the self-doubt, the fear, the insecurity that still live inside me and I surrender them.  My shoulders fall and my neck relaxes, tension fleeing my body.  The broken pieces of my heart, the ones that feel bad for not being "perfect", I give Him those with the real knowledge that He's the only perfect One.  My coping mechanisms, my habits that don't bear fruit, my hangups - I give it all over, laying it down at the foot of the beautiful cross.  It's scary to own all of this, but it's so liberating to hand it over.  It's terrifying to show my hand and admit to being so weak and so enslaved.  That's why I've held onto it all for so long.  But that's the only path to freedom - I've tried all the others, and they lead to certain death and destruction.  I have faith, I believe, and I trust my God with all these piece I've found so "ugly".  I trust that He doesn't even see them as ugly, but as beautiful fragments of a heart He cannot wait to restore to wholeness.  Going through this seemingly painful part is already yielding the most vast and beautiful expanse inside of me. 

This God who has relentlessly been calling me home to Him.  This God who watched His own son die a criminal's death on a cross for me - for me.  God decided He didn't want to spend one more minute without me, so He died for me, so that we could be together forever.  This same God made you and died for you to be free and to live life to the full, til it overflows!  Grab hold of that reality!!!  That's simply amazing.  And when He died and rose again, death and sin were permanently crucified with Him.  He purchased our freedom with His blood and is inviting us to let the shackles drop, to take His hand, and to walk out onto the water. 

Here I am, Lord.