The Insatiable Beast
I was doing some reading recently, and came upon the question: "If your food cravings had a name or personality, what would you call them?" The author was hoping to get me to identify an image in my mind comes up when I feel that desire to fill up past the point of satisfaction. You know what I'm talking about, right? When the needle "full-meter" is at the F (or even a little bit past it!), but the hand still goes to the mouth. When that utopian (aka magical and non-existent) point of "comfortably satiated" was long since ignored, yet chewing and swallowing have yet to cease. I could readily identify with this desire to eat that didn't seem to correlate to physical hunger; but, I was having trouble coming up with a name or personality or image for it.
The term "bottomless pit" came to mind, and it resonated. An "infinite hole" inside, maybe. But, when in conversation, I described my cravings as "the insatiable beast" that lives in me, seeking to devour everything in sight in order to sink my hunger, that was it. That's exactly how I'd describe the voracious appetite I have to be filled.
I don't just want a little. I don't want a "fist-sized" portion. "Everything in moderation," they say. I say, "No thanks, I want everything in inundation." And for me it certainly is this way with food, but this hunger doesn't discriminate. It calls out to be filled with much more of anything. If a little is good, it must mean that a heaping pile is much better. Clothes, time, approval, money, reassurance, relationships, sleep. (Shoes would easily make this list too if my feet weren't the size of small boats and I could actually find more than one semi-cute pair per year!) You name it, that insatiable beast within me says (more like SCREAMS), "More please, and I WANT IT NOW!!!!" Who am I kidding, "please" is really not part of the beast's vocabulary!
I've tried to put limits and boundaries up on my own power that would wrangle this beast. For example, for Lent one year, I gave up candy/chocolate. One might imagine that having cut out some major fat and calories, I'd lose a little weight. Nope. Not this girl. Instead, I made short work of a wholesale-sized bag of Craisins in a couple of days and gained 5 pounds (and some uncomfortable digestive distress, to boot) in a weekend. I've tried beating myself up over not being able to solve this problem of insatiability. But, time and time again, it's won. Once I've gotten one addiction or compulsion under control, another rears its ugly head, just like a futile amusement park game of Whack-a-Mole.
Today, I am so grateful to report that there is hope! I have been blessed to have a new perspective. God is helping me to see that there is no amount of any earthly thing that can ever possibly satisfy me. He's also showing me that He built me this way -- with a place inside that craves the infinite. What a relief to know that this voracious appetite I have is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! My mind is being transformed to see that instead, it can serve as a gentle reminder that I was never meant to do this life alone. That Dyson vacuum cleaner that feels as if it's attached to my mouth doesn't make me a woman unworthy of love; but rather, God is showing me how truly precious and beautiful I am to Him. Just like a perfect lock and key, He has provided me with the only thing that could possibly ever quell the seemingly insatiable desires that have dwelt in me since before I can remember: Him.
The term "bottomless pit" came to mind, and it resonated. An "infinite hole" inside, maybe. But, when in conversation, I described my cravings as "the insatiable beast" that lives in me, seeking to devour everything in sight in order to sink my hunger, that was it. That's exactly how I'd describe the voracious appetite I have to be filled.
I don't just want a little. I don't want a "fist-sized" portion. "Everything in moderation," they say. I say, "No thanks, I want everything in inundation." And for me it certainly is this way with food, but this hunger doesn't discriminate. It calls out to be filled with much more of anything. If a little is good, it must mean that a heaping pile is much better. Clothes, time, approval, money, reassurance, relationships, sleep. (Shoes would easily make this list too if my feet weren't the size of small boats and I could actually find more than one semi-cute pair per year!) You name it, that insatiable beast within me says (more like SCREAMS), "More please, and I WANT IT NOW!!!!" Who am I kidding, "please" is really not part of the beast's vocabulary!
I've tried to put limits and boundaries up on my own power that would wrangle this beast. For example, for Lent one year, I gave up candy/chocolate. One might imagine that having cut out some major fat and calories, I'd lose a little weight. Nope. Not this girl. Instead, I made short work of a wholesale-sized bag of Craisins in a couple of days and gained 5 pounds (and some uncomfortable digestive distress, to boot) in a weekend. I've tried beating myself up over not being able to solve this problem of insatiability. But, time and time again, it's won. Once I've gotten one addiction or compulsion under control, another rears its ugly head, just like a futile amusement park game of Whack-a-Mole.
Today, I am so grateful to report that there is hope! I have been blessed to have a new perspective. God is helping me to see that there is no amount of any earthly thing that can ever possibly satisfy me. He's also showing me that He built me this way -- with a place inside that craves the infinite. What a relief to know that this voracious appetite I have is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! My mind is being transformed to see that instead, it can serve as a gentle reminder that I was never meant to do this life alone. That Dyson vacuum cleaner that feels as if it's attached to my mouth doesn't make me a woman unworthy of love; but rather, God is showing me how truly precious and beautiful I am to Him. Just like a perfect lock and key, He has provided me with the only thing that could possibly ever quell the seemingly insatiable desires that have dwelt in me since before I can remember: Him.
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